Friendship Plus is sex without feelings between good friends. It is also known as “Friends with benefits” and “F+”.
It combines the benefits of a two-way relationship with those of an erotic affair. However, romance and feelings of love are deliberately excluded.
In this article, we will look at the advantages and disadvantages of this type of relationship. In addition, we present proven Friendship Plus rules, with the help of which it can succeed in the long term.
What is Friendship Plus?
“Friendship Plus” movie posterThe term Friendship Plus has become widespread in Germany at least since the 2011 comedy of the same name starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. In it, the stars play two friends who try to have sex with each other without developing feelings for each other.
According to sociologist Janosch Schobin of the University of Kassel, the term first appeared in the gay scene in the 1980s.
Along with one-night stands and affairs, friendship with certain privileges is another relationship model apart from traditional romantic partnerships.
It describes a good platonic friendship with an extra – namely sex. Sexuality can be lived out on a level of mutual trust because of the friendship relationship. At the same time, it is sex without love, because the relationship between the partners remains purely friendly.
This eliminates the annoying side effects and obligations of a romantic relationship between two people. On the other hand, sex is enjoyed with a person who is an important part of one’s life in a platonic way – unlike unknown contacts for one night stands.
Combining sex and friendship: The advantages
A friendship with benefits, as the name suggests, revolves around various benefits. On the one hand, these are drawn from the friendship between two people itself: You know each other, you harmonize with each other. Unlike changing contacts for short affairs, here you don’t have to get involved with a new, actually strange person every time.
Friends are also there for each other when the other person is not doing so well. With one night stands, you usually only meet when both are in a positive mood. Friendship Plus relationships are thus less superficial – the sex partner is also a kind of soul mate.
Nevertheless, both retain their independent lifestyles – because unlike romantic couples, friends don’t constantly crowd each other. They also don’t have to justify themselves to each other or constantly coordinate their plans.
Another point is that sex without a romantic relationship does not degenerate into a couples routine or compulsory program. Rather, it arises out of spontaneity and a sense of pleasure and complements the friendship relationship at appropriate moments. All in all, the F+ and its development is not very calculable, which makes the whole thing additionally exciting.
The problems of a Friendship Plus
If you read the above friendship plus definition, you can come to the conclusion that it is an uncomplicated form of bonding without major obligations and rules.
However, graduate psychologist and sex therapist Nele Sehrt observes some difficulties in the topic of “friendship and sex”. According to her, the significant question in such a relationship is where exactly the boundaries lie. For example, is it allowed to continue having sex with other people? Should sexual intercourse be with or without a rubber?
Each person defines these boundaries differently for themselves. If friends with benefits do not agree here, it can quickly lead to jealousy, hurt feelings and other negative reactions that should actually be consciously avoided in this form of relationship.
Friends with certain preferencesIn an erotic friendship, both partners must be especially mindful of their actions and words. For example, if you cancel a meeting because you don’t have time, you could offend your partner, according to Sehrt: “On what level is the other person communicating with me now? Was it on a friendly or sexual level? Differentiating that requires a high degree of self-reflection and communication skills.”
Moreover, the danger of developing feelings for the other person in the course of the relationship is always present. Friendship Plus can quickly turn into love for one of the two – but if the other person doesn’t share these feelings, things get complicated. Then not only the sexual relationship, but also the pre-existing friendship, often built up over many years, is at risk.
Rules for Friendship Plus
In order for the combination of friendship plus sex to work in the longer term, some important rules and tips should be followed. With the following Dos and Don’ts, we summarize established Friends with Benefits rules that can be used to make the relationship uncomplicated and minimize the risk of disappointment.
- When it comes to Friendship Plus Sex for the first time completely unexpectedly, a subsequent discussion is necessary.
- What should happen next? It is important to be honest from the beginning and to openly exchange feelings for each other.
If the idea of adding benefits to the friendship is mentioned, the other person may react by asking, “Am I not good enough for you to have a serious relationship? This should be countered by the fact that the friendship-plus-relationship cannot be imagined with X random person, but only with him. The point is to emphasize the special and valued relationship with each other. - If possible, at the beginning of the plus relationship, it should be clarified exactly whether you are still allowed to go on dates or sex adventures with other people. Thus one avoids preventively the occurrence of jealousy dramas and justification scenarios.
- If the extended friendship is still very fresh, you should not tell anyone about it for the time being. It is still too uncertain where the whole thing will develop. If it lasts longer, you can of course tell other trusted people about it. However, it is important to keep the circle of initiates small. Even nowadays it is a special form of relationship, to which some people react with stupid sayings and slander.
- In most cases, before the relationship with extras, there was already an ordinary friendship, in the framework of which you met with common friends. You should definitely continue to date with the old clique in your free time. Otherwise, the “Friends with Benefits” relationship looks as if it is reserved for exclusive activities for two. That, in turn, is strongly reminiscent of a committed love relationship.
- In principle, people should sleep in separate beds. If not, the whole thing is in danger of turning into a romantic relationship here as well. There is a danger of getting too used to the other person. The affair feeling should always be present to keep the relationship informal and exciting.
- During sex in friendship, mutual compliments are allowed to fall. Typical love compliments and turteleien are against it taboo: no pet names give and no ambiguous, even if only jokingly meant statements a la “We fit so great to each other, let’s marry and have children” express.
- Cuddling after intercourse, holding hands in public, or making out without having sex – that’s not how Friendship Plus works. You should be strictly careful not to copy typical elements of a romantic couple relationship.
- Going on classic dates is also a no-go, as these could arouse romantic feelings. Only if there was already a ritual in the previous friendship, for example cooking together, this can be kept. However, it must then continue to be friendly and must never degenerate into routine.
- The way of communication should be adapted after the transition of a friendship to a plus relationship. Whereas as normal friends you may have exchanged your respective bedtime stories, you now have to hold back on this. There is a risk that the other person will misinterpret these stories, feel hurt, or become jealous after all.
- Speaking of jealous. It should be clear that jealousy scenes have no place among Friendship Plus contacts. Spying on the other person, pressuring him to justify himself or confronting him with accusations goes against the feeling of freedom and enjoyment that characterizes a Benefits relationship.
- But with all the freedom that should be left to each other: If you have sex with a good friend or sleep with your buddy, you should not treat him/her like a mere affair. Care should be taken to maintain the previous friendship. You should not bring unnecessary coldness or distance into the relationship, only to have sex together yes not fall in love with each other.
What is the best way to start a Friendship Plus?
A F+ is usually preceded by a long-lasting, good friendship.
The transition from a normal friendship to a Plus relationship is then usually spontaneous and unexpected: Drunkenness or emotionally difficult times can be triggers for two friends to indulge in uncontrolled outbursts of emotion and end up in bed together.
After that, it is important to evaluate the significance of that night. Was it a one-time slip? If not, was it possibly an expression of feelings that have been suppressed for a long time?
If both of them realize that they are in love with each other, the matter is clear and nothing stands in the way of a romantic relationship.
If only one of them feels love, you should not start a Friendship Plus. Not even in the hope that the other person will fall in love as a result. The risk is too high that in the end one of them will have fun while the other suffers.
If both come to the conclusion that the sex was great and should be continued, but romance and commitment are undesirable, the friendship experiment can begin.
If no spontaneous moment occurs as described above that leads to sex, a Friendship Plus can also be specifically sought and brought about.
Find online contacts for a Friendship Plus
Either you already have a good friend in mind and leave the pure friend zone step by step in relation to him through flirting and expressions of interest. Or you look for people who can be friends and sex contacts at the same time.
Such contacts for F+ can be found most easily via sex exchanges on the Internet.
Especially on casual dating portals (see our list) and affair sites (see our list) there are many members who are interested in the concept of “eroticism without obligations”. There can usually find a friendship plus without any problems. If the sex with these people is harmonious, a friendship can also develop.
Of course, you can also proceed the other way around and slowly build a friendly relationship via chat and first date appointments, which later becomes more.
When to end a Friendship Plus
There can be various reasons for wanting to end the “Friends with Benefits” relationship.
It can happen that one of the two falls in love with the other, but the other does not develop such feelings. The separation can then affect the platonic friendship. After some distance and time, however, it is quite possible that you will find each other again on this level.
It may also be that one of the two enters into a committed relationship with someone else. Then, of course, the friendship-plus relationship gets in the way and must be ended.
It is also possible that one no longer finds the other sexually attractive over time or that a certain routine and thus boredom creeps in during sex. Then you can simply return to the old, platonic friendship relationship.
Whatever the reason for the end of the plus relationship, you should not try to artificially maintain it out of guilt, false hopes or similar emotional turmoil.
Otherwise, sooner or later you will lose not only a friend in bed, but also in life. In fact, the original friendship can usually be saved if you have an open and honest exchange about the omission of the benefits.
How realistic is it to find a Friendship Plus?
In a representative survey conducted by the opinion research institute YouGov, 60% of respondents stated that in a friendship between men and women, one of them would be interested in more than just friendship.
If one follows this view, there would be numerous opportunities for ordinary friendships to develop into benefits relationships.
One out of five participants also stated that a pure friendship between a man and a woman is not possible at all. If one believes this view, platonic friendships would always have to go hand in hand with sex or firm partnerships, or at least lead to them.
The survey encourages all those who hope for “more” from good friendships.
Sex with a good friendHowever, the friendship-plus-relationship model also has critics who consider it unrealistic. One main point here is that few people are aware of – let alone have – the communication skills and self-reflection required for such a relationship. Thus, the relationship is doomed to fail sooner or later for most.
And indeed, the longevity of F+ relationships may be doubted. The sex scientist Dr. Justin Lehmiller describes that men and women perceive the non-committal benefits relationship differently. While men tend to leave things as they have settled, many women desire a change in the relationship over time.
While it is unclear whether the change amounts to a platonic friendship, a complete break in contact, or a committed relationship. However, the desire to take a step away from the plus relationship develops in most women, he said.
Who would like to collect friendship plus experiences, should be conscious in each case of the fact that he puts thereby the already existing, platonic friendship on the risk. If the benefits relationship succeeds, however, you have hit the jackpot: This form of relationship combines the best of a romantic couple relationship and a hot affair.
